Ratings and reviews of Ben & Jerry’s – the best ice creams on the planet Part 1:2

I could live my life with ease never eating hamburger, pizza, chips or French fries again. Anything salty snacks really. But take away my ice cream and I will die prematurely an unhappy and bitter man. I need my sugar rush. It’s not good for you, yes (no) but since I’ve given up candy (2 years soon!!) I need to fill the void with something. Ice cream does a great job on that. Anyways, I know my shit. I’m a gourmet ice cream eater. I know how it should taste. Trust me. And trust my judgments here as we rate and review the flavors of Ben & Jerry’s. The most magnificent ice creams on the planet. So packed with yummy!

Side note clarification: I obviously did not include sorbet. Sorbet is not for men.

Banana Split ☆☆☆★★

Banana & Strawberry ice creams with Walnuts, Fudge Chunks & a Fudge Swirl

It’s completely impossible to fail when you have a starting point that begins with the most epic dessert ever. But somehow the geniuses at B&J do it. It doesn’t feel at all as epic as it should. It’s good, but any shitty diner could scoop you up a much better one with less effort and lower price. Guess some things should just be kept outside a box.

Boston Creampie ☆☆★★★

Boston Creampie ice cream with Yellow cake pieces, Fudge Flakes and Swirls of Pastry Cream

This one got me emotionally mixed up. For one who isn’t from America, not sure exactly what Yellow Cake was, it’s easy to get perplexedly over-excited of what it entails. And it was good. Nothing extreme, but someone did a decent craftsmanship at the B&J factory.

Brownie Batter ☆☆★★★

Brownie Batter ice cream with a Brownie Batter Swirl.

Sure it might not look overwhelming (no fudge, pieces, etc) but it came off as surprisingly rich. All that heavy chocolate was enough to prevent you from downing one at once.

Cake Batter ☆☆☆★★

Yellow Cake Batter ice cream with Chocolate Frosting Swirl

Not sure if I’ve tried this puppy and even if I have the lack of memory of a presumed taste is verdict enough.

Cheesecake Brownie ☆☆☆★★

Cheesecake ice cream with Cheesecake Brownie Chunks

Oh boy. This one looks so good on paper. Some genius at the script-department got all the parts right, but somewhere, somehow, someone else down in the factory miraculously messed it up along the way. It just isn’t all that great. Lesson to learn: always ensure you have a bulletproof string of flawless coworkers when you create.

Cherry Garcia ☆☆☆☆☆

Cherry ice cream with Cherries and Fudge Flakes.

“Hey Bob, I have an idea. You know how everyone loves cherries and we make ice cream, so wouldn’t it be smart to throw them all together and make a new flavor out of it”

No.

Chocolate ☆☆☆☆★ -

SMOOTH Chocolate ice cream (made with Fare Trade Certified Cocoa

If only charity tasted good it could potentially get more points, but this is just ridiculous. Who buys B&J single flavor?

Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ☆☆☆★★

Vanilla ice cream with Gobs of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough

It starts like blessing from heaven. Five spoons later you can’t feel your tongue cause it’s numb from the overflow of sugar.

Chocolate Fudge Brownie ★★★★★

Chocolate ice cream with Fudge Brownies

This is actually the very first time I realized the greatness of B&J so some stars are actually out of sheer nostalgia. Nonetheless it’s a great fucking invention. The guy who dreamed up this mushy lovely mess is obviously promoted, and now sits on a much larger chair. Fitting his entire ass now.

Chocolate Macadamia ☆★★★★ +

Chocolate & Vanilla ice creams with Fudge covered Macadamia Nuts
Barely knew what Macadamia nuts were not that I loved them so much before I tasted this. Doesn’t seem all that, especially with the lack of swirl and fudge, but those nuts-puppies are a killer. Thank you, B&J.

Chubby Hubby ★★★★★ + ★

Fudge covered Peanut Butter Filled Pretzels in Vanilla Malt ice cream Rippled with Fudge and Peanut Butter
Words. Can. Not. Describe. This. Blessing. It’s like the opposite of curse. The counterpart of getting seven years of bad luck for breaking a mirror. I’m (still) not a fan of peanut butter, so the fact that they make me crave it is in itself worth a round of applause around the world. The guy who came up with this now owns sixteen Ferrari’s and lives a complete carefree life in Monaco with his two superhot model girlfriends. This ice cream wakes up and does fifty push ups effortlessly. 

Chunky Monkey ☆☆☆★★

Banana ice cream with Fudge Chunks & Walnuts

We like bananas and all so it saddens us that it doesn’t deliver all the way through. Might also explain why the monkey (intended pun) who messed this up is also now working as a cable installer in southwest Serbia.

Cinnamon Buns ☆☆★★★

Caramel ice cream with Cinnamon Bun Dough & a Cinnamon Streusel Swirl

No one knows what the hell a Streusel really is before they Google it, and Swede’s love to think we invented the Cinnamon Bun so it’s hard not to give this puppy less stars.

Coffee Heath Bar ☆☆☆★★

Coffee ice cream with chunks of HEATH Bar Crunch (made with Fair Trade Certified coffee)

Again, if only great heart tasted as well as it is a good cause. Problem here is obviously also the oversized HEATH Bars themselves. So when the ingredients per se are part of the downer it inevitably gives it a poor rating.

Créme Brulée ☆☆★★★

Sweet Custard ice ceram with a Caramelized Sugar Swirl

A for Effort in trying. B- for execution. We adore Créme Brulée, in all shapes and forms it comes in (we’re not snobs who prefers either the thick or thin here, no we eat it after dinner regardless for dessert. Gladly. But this is not dessert. This is B&J ice cream. Restaurants simply do it better.

Magic Brownies ☆★★★★-

Black Raspberry ice cream swirled with Sweet Cream ice cream & Fudgy Brownies

Hello curiosity! WTF is Black Raspberry ice cream we yell and jump all over it. Well. We’re still not sure. Another perfect example of a genius behind the script-ingredients who teamed up with an intern behind the ice-cream maker machine. There’s just something not fully functioning here as it should (hell it got a good 4 you scream, but calm down, pressure is high here and demands colossal). We expect greatness in every scoop.

Dublin Mudslide ☆★★★★

Irish cream Liqueur ice cream Chocolate Chocolate Chip Cookies and a Coffee Fudge Swirl

Once upon a time, for a period, this was my favorite. We salute the decision of making coffee so delicious. Extra bonus points for adding two rounds of ‘Chocolate’ in the description too.

Dulce Delish ☆☆☆★★

Rich Caramel ice cream with dark Caramel Swirls

Who allowed someone’s daughter write scripts for B&J? Of all the 47 flavors B&J have, why would I want to buy this particular one? No answer has been given.

Everything but the… ★★★★★

A collision of Chocolate & Vanilla ice creams with HEATH Bar chunks, White Choclatey Chunks, Peanut Butter Cups & Chocolatey covered Almonds

First time I saw it was in Williamsburg. I trembled. I quickly walked home to Claire, the girl I was staying at during my first week in the States, and politely smiled at her as I closed the door behind me in my room. Then I ate it. Slowly. (No I didn’t I ate it quite fast to be honest). Could this be for real? Was it a joke? What absolute genius is it that walks on this earth and suddenly decides to put everything but the… in one basket and sell it to the public? I don’t know. But he will soon be President of the United States of America. Remember where you heard it first. Funny* how it took me a few months before I could even find it again.

*Not funny

Fossil Fuel ☆☆★★★

Sweet Cream ice cream Chocolate Cookie Pieces, Fudge Dinosaurs and a Fudge Swirl

Sounds all good and tastes pretty good too, but those extinct giant lizards are exactly that; too big. The harmony isn’t quite there.

Half Baked ☆★★★★

Chocolate & Vanilla ice creams with Fudge Brownies and Gobs Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough

Dreams do come true. But it’s funny, cause we all know how this was invented. Kip had been out with his douche bag friends again, hammered as usual, but the morning after was the day when he was to present the new genius flavor to the B&J boss. As he stood there complete hungover, stinking alcohol in front of his boss with a complete blank mind, he remembered what he ate for lunch the day before. B&J Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough and Chocolate Fudge Brownie mixed in one bowl. Even Kip was surprised by him when he heard himself muttering those words of mixing two flavors and was sure to start looking for another job. He is now their Chief Financial Officer. Still hammered.

Maple Blondie ☆★★★★

Maple ice cream with Blonde Brownie Chunks & a Maple Caramel Swirl

Every week after smoking too much weed, the scriptwriters get together and come up with new flavors that doesn’t exist, but sound like they do. This one was created by Craig. Or should I say, Horny-Craig. He craves blondes.

Imagine Whirled Peace ☆☆★★★

Caramel & Sweet Cream ice creams swirled with Fudge Peace Signs & Toffee Cookie Pieces

The hippie who came up with Fudge Peace Signs was relieved of his duty before this hit the stores and is now happy living in his treetop without personal items staring at leaves and munching on bark. You can’t build an ice cream based on a funny word-joke. This everyone knows. Regardless how good it actually tastes.

That's it for now, but soon you'll have Part 2:2. It all comes categorized in alphabetical order. You're so very welcome.